What you Would Love to Tell Your Stepchildren, but can’t…

1. I almost said no to marrying your father.

I thought long and hard about how my life would be with you in it. There were days that I almost flung my engagement ring like an olympic disc thrower with the thought of having to deal with you. However, I didn’t. I decided that your dad was worth any pain that you would cause me. When someone asks me if I would ever do it again, I often think, no. Marriage is hard as it is and putting you in the equation makes it sometimes, almost impossible. 

2. I don’t have to love you.

You are not my blood or my DNA. In fact, there are days where I don’t like you at all. I have googled, “I hate my stepchild.” I love the feeling of shutting the door to my bedroom and extending my third finger, forcefully in the air like a small flesh skyscraper in your direction. On special occasions, I use both hands. There is not a contract that says that I have to love you. So… when I do show that I care about you, it is me doing it on my own. If you keep taking me for granted, I may stop trying… or, you can meet me halfway and we can build a relationship out of respect for each other. The decision is yours.

3. You don’t have to play sides.

If your father asks about your mother, or your mother asks about your father, tell them that “everything is fine.”  You don’t have to give dirt to anyone. This divorce was not your fault and shouldn’t be any of your business. Let them know that it hurts you when your biological parents talk about each other. You are 50% of each and it makes you feel like they love you less because they hate the other parent.

4. I am not the enemy.

I did not break up your parents marriage. I fell in love with a single man. His life before me is really none of my business. So, when you are angry because your parents marriage failed, stop pointing the finger at me. They were broken up before me and they were not going to get back together…ever. Trust me, you could have worse than me!

 

5. I don’t want to be your mom.

I sometimes think it would be easy if I were your mom and I could actually punish you like a parent should, but then again…no. I don’t want to be your mom. You have parents, a mom and a dad. I am an outsider and I like it that way. If I were your mom, things would be a whole hell of a lot different. Your phone, your car, your computer, your Netflix would disappear when you were having one of your “typical teenage meltdowns.” So count your lucky stars that I did not push you out into the world.

6. Your Social-Media is not private.

I hate that you text, tweet, and Snap about your father, or me on a phone, computer, or tablet that we bought you! WTF! You can vent into this world, but it does come back to me. Maybe you want it to, maybe you don’t, but I see it. Being a parent, even a stepparent, comes with a set of skills. A set of skills that Liam Neeson couldn’t save you from. We are detectives and if we want to find out your information, we will find your information. You are not sneaky, you are not sly. Remember, I was a teenager long before you were one. Your technical skills maybe better, but your common sense will always be one step behind.

7. Give me a break

I am new at this whole step-parenting thing, too.  Did we ask for eachother, no. But we are in this thing together. I get it. You don’t want me to be here, pinch hitting for your mom. Trust me, I don’t want to substitute anyone. Do you really think that when I was a little girl, I saw myself running into the sunset with my handsome husband, and his kids? Nope, this wasn’t my plan, but it is my future. You will someday go off to college, and leave the nest. (I am counting the days) Do you really want your dad hanging around the nest in his own bird poop? Or, do you want your dad to be happy?  I am trying here. Give me a break. Please!

 

 

 

Maybe Cinderella was a Bitch…

 

Once upon a time…

…you met Prince Charming? Wow! What a guy! Tall, dark and handsome or maybe short, bald and a great personality… most importantly, single. The fact that he has kids makes him even more adorable. Right? What a good father. Look how much his daughters adore him. They are princesses in need of a giving, caring step-queen. They will eventually fall in love with you. Again, Right? I mean, what’s not to love? Your heart is so full of love that there is plenty of room to let these treasures move in.

Oh, I remember it well…he did it! He asked the question that every, woman, or in my case, desperate woman, longs to hear… “Will you marry me?” Tears of joy ran down my overly powdered face like ATV tracks in the pristine dunes of a dry desert  (I recently discovered bareMinerals) I was truly happy. I couldn’t wait to become an instant family!

Was the poison apple tasty?

Present-time-WTF! The angel haloes were being held up by their well manicured horns. Holy crap, what the hell happened? Why didn’t anyone warn me about this nightmare that has become my life? Oh yeah, they did. Where in the hell was the ex hiding during the delusional dating period?!?! Because she is the shining star of this unmistakable shit show! What am I? Oh… funny you should ask. I am now the fourth string backup dancer in the show Bitches have Talent and they have cell phones to document my fails. Now having a good month, is not becoming a meme or casted as the lead of their Snapchat story, starring my granny panties hanging out of my sweats. I have lived through MySpace, Facebook and now I am hate tweeted on a daily basis. I don’t know what went wrong or when it did, but it did. Do you relate?

What can we do? Well? Through ten years of trial and incredible error, I have created a script for all my fellow STEP(ped on) mom’s, that have gone through the OMG! LOL! WTF! FML! pattern that I have.

Mirror Mirror- What to say, when she says, what she says.

Cinderella: You can’t tell me what to do. You’re not my mom! 

Evil StepMother: (Good, because everything that I have created that resembles you or or your attitude has been flushed down the toilet after I have properly wiped from front to back.)

Fairy Godmother says to say: I understand that I am not your mom. Your mom is a very special person, but I am an adult and my expectation is that you treat me with respect. 

Cinderella: I hate you! 

Evil StepMother: (Oh sweetie, I hate you more.)

Fairy Godmother says to say: Well, that is sad because I love you. But, if you want to say that to hurt my feelings, I understand. 

Cinderella: I hope my dad divorces you!

Evil StepMother: (Bitch, I would sign, seal and deliver those papers to the court myself.)

Fairy Godmother says to say: I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen. I just hope that we can work through this tough time so we can eventually be friends. 

Cinderella: You are such a bitch!

Evil StepMother: (Really? Have you met your mom?)

Fairy Godmother says to say: I know you are upset because that is an awful thing to say. I hope that someday we can talk about your feelings without your use of profanity. 

Cinderella: Do you hate my mom?

Evil StepMother: (I hate Satan less.)

Fairy Godmother says to say: That would be impossible! Your mom is 50% of you and I love 100% of you. 

Cinderella: I want to live with my mom! 

Evil StepMother: (Your Uber is on its way. I will send your bags ASAP.)

Fairy Godmother says to say: I understand how much your mom means to you. Maybe we can talk about what we can do together to make this home as special to you as hers.

Cinderella: My mom would let me do that.

Evil StepMother: (Your mom is a fucking saint, isn’t she. The fact that I am doing the opposite of what that wacky witch is doing is the biggest compliment that you can give me.)

Fairy Godmother says to say: I know that having two homes must be a huge adjustment for anyone. Sometimes there are different rules for different issues. That must be hard, but this is one of them. 

Bottom Line-

Being a stepmom sucks. It is the hardest job that anyone could ever have. The kids have a mother or maybe they don’t, but it is not your responsibility, it is really, ultimately his. So relish in that thought. Be the cool aunt. Leave the discipline to him and the fun times to you. Make the most of it, because it’s not going away…Even with three wishes.

 

 

 

 

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